Day3

Today is acceptance. I am finally accepting the notion of the disease. I know what must be done, and I’m slowly convincing myself. I want to spend the whole day showing my wife how much I love her. Time is definitely precious. I have never realized how much I am in love with my wife. It feels like I want to always protect her and watch over her. It may be better not to talk about the stages of the disease until her consultation day.
Denial is your mind trying to fool you into an innate protection. However, acceptance is a deeper understanding. It feels much more peaceful and less hectic. I hope my feelings are going to endure on and not be swayed. I can only offer my support and prayers to my wife for now.

Day 4

The weekend has finally arrived. I have read everything single website, forum, article about Hodgkin’s Lymphoma possible. Another hour was spent at Barnes and Nobles reading all the medical books about the disease. For a society that is constantly in contact with cancer, there are not too many books that explain, support, or comfort the disease.
They say knowledge is power. I find knowledge to be hope. By understanding I can about lymphomas, I can hopefully be more of a support and realistic towards Jackie. Of course, I do not want to let Jackie know what I have been reading. I want to be able to provide her as little stress as possible. Stress weakens the immune system, and that is the last thing I need her to have.
I have been praying nonstop everyday during my free time. Some people say prayer is man’s last resort, but I view prayer as my primary stronghold. Man does not have the capabilities to handle the tests of the world. I am going to live by God’s word to guide me through this struggle. Philippians 4:13 “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” Please God, grant both Jackie and I the strength to fight this ordeal. Give me wisdom and strength to be the stronghold for my wife. Let your spirit and life dwell in Jackie as she fights off this outsider in her body. Amen.

Day 5

Today was a full day with my wife. God really answers prayers when you are down and distressed. I constantly remind myself not to bring up the Hodgkin’s disease too often in front of Jackie. Why do I need to remind her of something we have no control over? Tomorrow is her consultation with the doctor and then she is seeing the oncologist for staging. Our insurance application has been received, so we can only wait in the mean time. There is no point of constant repetition of what is uncontrollable.
I catch myself treating Jackie as a parent would treat a sick child. I want her to just rest and relax while I do the cooking, cleaning, and everything else. I notice that is just demeaning her self- confidence. Letting her be able to be independent and self-reliant helps her gain strength in herself and keeps her mind occupied. That is one thing I’m learning. The mind wanders when bored. If she is capable and not harming her then I should definitely let her do what she wants. I am my wife’s crutch. I will be there when she needs my support. Support can be given physically but also mentally.