Day 93-94
The reason I keep track of my entries by numerical numbers instead of dates is because the more days that are recorded means the sooner I am to the end. The more days that pass means the more days Hodgkin’s has stolen part of Jackie and my life. The days that pass remind me of how spontaneous life is. You could be perfectly happy on day 0 but day 1 can flip your life around. The more days that pass reminds me more of how precious life is. The more days that pass reminds me how precious my wife is. Lastly, the more days that pass by the more hope I have to a better life, love, and marriage.
Jackie is ready for chemo #5. It is always a struggle for me around each chemo session. I’m always wondering if the treatment is correct, the dosage is right, or should we have changed the regimen up. I’m always wondering if we should have kept her bleomycin treatment going for a little longer before taking it completely away. Was the neupogen necessary each session for 5 days straight? When it comes to this situation there are no certain decisions but just a guideline. Studies are minimal and sometimes even contradictory. There is no guru oncologist, but just many combined brains. It racks my mind that I cannot do anything else for my wife but sit here helplessly and have these oncologists decide her fate. Each one can give their professional opinion but they can’t give an emotional opinion. Jackie was telling me about a new form of healing that has to do with bed side manner. The doctor takes their time to understand you personally in a loving fashion. This somehow triggers your body to heal faster. It’s amazing, yet a little too magical for me.
I am just glad there is no delay this week in treatment. I will be able to take her to chemo and care for her afterwards this treatment. It is ironic to say I am looking forward to chemo, but I definitely am excited to be able to hold her hand this week instead of seeing her after treatment.