Day 116
Jackie says I am too much of an idealist. I have been saying a lot without thinking twice that I wish things were different. I wish my job was better, I wish that we were in a different location, and I wish this never happened to Jackie and me. I am always trying to plan when how long it will take until her treatment is complete so we can move on with our lives. I like to make sure the rest of our lives together without Hodgkin’s can pick up from where we began. I just wanted our old lives back, our plans back, and the bright future ahead of us back.
I was definitely hit with a dose of reality that all my thoughts and intentions actually may be some sort of denial. I may not be confronting Hodgkin’s realistically and hoping that this part of our lives will be a lost memory. I guess I am not facing the fact that all this is part of my life. All that we are going through is our marriage story. This is life and it is not perfect. This is our life and new chapters will be introduced whether they are ideal or not.
I really have done all this so unconsciously. The last four months of my life I wish would be erased from my memory until todays ephiphany. I really have a lot of growing up today.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Day 114-115
Today I spent the morning calling City of Hope, Blue Shield, and my HMO group. I found the extension number of the financial advisor at City of Hope and gave her a call. She picked up with a confused voice. I told her that my wife had a diagnosis and was wondering if my insurace would cover services. Before I finished the word services she rudely interrupted saying I have to call new patient services. I apolegitically said I did not know and I guess she felt bad for her rudeness, she decided to transfer me. I jotted down the extension and waited for my transfer to voicemail. “Thank you for callin City of Hope new patient services, we are open 8-5 Monday thru Friday. If you are getting this message we are currently assisting others.” Ten minutes later I called, my repsonse “If you are getting this message we are currently assisting other.” Ten minutes after…they are still goofing around.
I called Blue Shield to ask if I was covered for City of Hope. I think Blue Shielf may have trasferred customer service overseas. I told her I am wondering if I was covered to go to City of Hope. The representative asks me what country is that in. She did tell me that I have to contact my HMO group and if that did not work I can write an appeal that will take at least 30 days to respond.
I was very hesitant to call my HMO group, because I was yelled at a few months ago for asking why my wife was denied to receive care at City of Hope. I called in and a very nice representative picked up. She expalined to me everything about City of Hope not being contracted and I can try an appeal but shes never seen it work. In conclusion, I wasted my whole morning!
To top it off I found out my old HMO group whom I volunteered to change was contracted with City of Hope. We changed to this new group because our current oncologist is in network. I can never beat the system. When I finally relieved myself the stress of finding Jackie proper health insurance after 2 months of insanity, I find myself still under the wrong policy. Jackie says at least we have insurance and doctors who are trained. Luckily, City of Hope isn’t the only cure for cancer.
Today I spent the morning calling City of Hope, Blue Shield, and my HMO group. I found the extension number of the financial advisor at City of Hope and gave her a call. She picked up with a confused voice. I told her that my wife had a diagnosis and was wondering if my insurace would cover services. Before I finished the word services she rudely interrupted saying I have to call new patient services. I apolegitically said I did not know and I guess she felt bad for her rudeness, she decided to transfer me. I jotted down the extension and waited for my transfer to voicemail. “Thank you for callin City of Hope new patient services, we are open 8-5 Monday thru Friday. If you are getting this message we are currently assisting others.” Ten minutes later I called, my repsonse “If you are getting this message we are currently assisting other.” Ten minutes after…they are still goofing around.
I called Blue Shield to ask if I was covered for City of Hope. I think Blue Shielf may have trasferred customer service overseas. I told her I am wondering if I was covered to go to City of Hope. The representative asks me what country is that in. She did tell me that I have to contact my HMO group and if that did not work I can write an appeal that will take at least 30 days to respond.
I was very hesitant to call my HMO group, because I was yelled at a few months ago for asking why my wife was denied to receive care at City of Hope. I called in and a very nice representative picked up. She expalined to me everything about City of Hope not being contracted and I can try an appeal but shes never seen it work. In conclusion, I wasted my whole morning!
To top it off I found out my old HMO group whom I volunteered to change was contracted with City of Hope. We changed to this new group because our current oncologist is in network. I can never beat the system. When I finally relieved myself the stress of finding Jackie proper health insurance after 2 months of insanity, I find myself still under the wrong policy. Jackie says at least we have insurance and doctors who are trained. Luckily, City of Hope isn’t the only cure for cancer.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Day 113
Do you ever wake up and realize everything that had happened was luckily only a dream. I am a pretty light sleeper and usually remember most of my dreams. There were many instances where I would be so sad because someone died, scared because I didn’t want to get hurt, or nervous because I didn’t finish an assignment. I could play each feeling and step I went through frame by frame. However, my scapegoat was that I would always wake up. That was how I felt the first few weeks Jackie was diagnosed. Every morning I would wake up hoping that all that happened was just a bad dream. My mind would trick myself into thinking that this lymphoma was fictional. Then I would roll over in bed and see the scar on my wife and all hope of normality would dissapate.
That only lasted a week or two until I learned to accept what was happening. Now that reality has settle in I still feel like I’m dreaming. Except my dreams this time are opposite. Jackie and I are engulfed in this world of Hodgkin’s and the future is always a arm’s stretch away. We dream of starting a family, having a stable career, settling down, and home ownership are so close we can touch it. Everything seems so realistic and simple, but we have to wait until Jackie has gone into remission. The time passes by slowly as we continue to dream. Hopefully when we wake up, all that will still be there.
Do you ever wake up and realize everything that had happened was luckily only a dream. I am a pretty light sleeper and usually remember most of my dreams. There were many instances where I would be so sad because someone died, scared because I didn’t want to get hurt, or nervous because I didn’t finish an assignment. I could play each feeling and step I went through frame by frame. However, my scapegoat was that I would always wake up. That was how I felt the first few weeks Jackie was diagnosed. Every morning I would wake up hoping that all that happened was just a bad dream. My mind would trick myself into thinking that this lymphoma was fictional. Then I would roll over in bed and see the scar on my wife and all hope of normality would dissapate.
That only lasted a week or two until I learned to accept what was happening. Now that reality has settle in I still feel like I’m dreaming. Except my dreams this time are opposite. Jackie and I are engulfed in this world of Hodgkin’s and the future is always a arm’s stretch away. We dream of starting a family, having a stable career, settling down, and home ownership are so close we can touch it. Everything seems so realistic and simple, but we have to wait until Jackie has gone into remission. The time passes by slowly as we continue to dream. Hopefully when we wake up, all that will still be there.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Day 111-112
The news this past week has been all about our president wanting a country that is bipartasan. Our country is basically run by two different parties that are suppose to make decisions for the well being of the country together. Having two different political parties with two different ideals and values make it difficult to become one united country.
Jackie and my life these past few months have been split. We have two lives, one is called “on week” and the other is “off week.” On week are those weeks which Jackie has chemo treatments. Usually it starts on a Friday where she sits three hours hooked up to an IV. She spends the weekend on the couch or in front of the computer. On a scale of 1-10 she is usually around a 4. There are bouts of stomach upsets, bloating, fatigue, nausea, and vomitting. Some can be taken care of easily with Zofran and others just have to be fought through. I spend the weekend quietly at home watching my wife. Every sigh she makes or spasm in her movement alerts my attention. We never go out this weekend because nauseasness may be exacerbated by any car ride. I tend to try and cook her delicious food which she is only able to take down less than 50% of what her normal intake is. Her taste is altered by the medications and life savors have been her choice of flavor to counteract any altered senses. The week continues with 5 consecutive shots of Neupogen and bone pain that feels like she is about to grow a foot taller tomorrow.
Off week is more of a norm to us. Jackie can work, exercise, eat, and visit friends and family. Her apetite in reintroduced and so is her energy level. We can spend the week watching movie, playing tennis, and eating ice cream. My life is a lot more relaxed because I worry less about her physical and mental atitude. However off week always seems to be a lot faster than on week.
One more month to go and then radiation. There is always a sense of anxiousness because we are so close, at least I think. Hopefully our lives will soon meld into one identity. Jackie and I can continue our nomal lives that were left behind in November 2009 and look forward to our marriage in the future.
The news this past week has been all about our president wanting a country that is bipartasan. Our country is basically run by two different parties that are suppose to make decisions for the well being of the country together. Having two different political parties with two different ideals and values make it difficult to become one united country.
Jackie and my life these past few months have been split. We have two lives, one is called “on week” and the other is “off week.” On week are those weeks which Jackie has chemo treatments. Usually it starts on a Friday where she sits three hours hooked up to an IV. She spends the weekend on the couch or in front of the computer. On a scale of 1-10 she is usually around a 4. There are bouts of stomach upsets, bloating, fatigue, nausea, and vomitting. Some can be taken care of easily with Zofran and others just have to be fought through. I spend the weekend quietly at home watching my wife. Every sigh she makes or spasm in her movement alerts my attention. We never go out this weekend because nauseasness may be exacerbated by any car ride. I tend to try and cook her delicious food which she is only able to take down less than 50% of what her normal intake is. Her taste is altered by the medications and life savors have been her choice of flavor to counteract any altered senses. The week continues with 5 consecutive shots of Neupogen and bone pain that feels like she is about to grow a foot taller tomorrow.
Off week is more of a norm to us. Jackie can work, exercise, eat, and visit friends and family. Her apetite in reintroduced and so is her energy level. We can spend the week watching movie, playing tennis, and eating ice cream. My life is a lot more relaxed because I worry less about her physical and mental atitude. However off week always seems to be a lot faster than on week.
One more month to go and then radiation. There is always a sense of anxiousness because we are so close, at least I think. Hopefully our lives will soon meld into one identity. Jackie and I can continue our nomal lives that were left behind in November 2009 and look forward to our marriage in the future.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 109-110
Jackie had chemo #6 today. She is doing very well and of course she ended up sleeping through the whole even. Her stomach seems to be slightly upset and she is still groggy from the Benadryl. Her appetite seems to be a little suppressed do the upset feeling in her stomach. I’m not too worried because I know how strong she is to be able to overcome the effects of chemo. Just one more cycle left! Hopefully her final CT scan shows complete disappearance of the lymphoma.
Lately Jackie and I have been talking about insurances. The biggest news these days has to do with Anthem Blue Cross, owned by Wellpoint Insurance Co, raising their insurance premiums by 39%. They raised rates last year as well. President Barack Obama, who is trying to pass a health insurance policy, is extremely angry at this insurance company raising rates while unemployment and uninsured Americans are at record highs. The president of Wellpoint, Angela Braly, showed up on capital hill to justify such rate hikes. Her justifications testified that “rising healthcare costs and the underpayment by government programs forced the company to raise premiums.” She also stated that due to the current recession healthy people or cancelling their policies so not enough money is being generated to support those who actually use their insurance policies. Representative Jan Schakowsky, a Democrat from Illinois asked the president how much money do you make. Her response was “my salary is $1.1 million. I receive stock compensation with a value of $8.5 million and last year an incentive payment of $73,000,".
This is how the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. When America is sufferring, these people are still making money. When will all this selfish atitude from CEO’s, politicians, and our country subside? When will the USA actually live up to its name of being united?
Jackie had chemo #6 today. She is doing very well and of course she ended up sleeping through the whole even. Her stomach seems to be slightly upset and she is still groggy from the Benadryl. Her appetite seems to be a little suppressed do the upset feeling in her stomach. I’m not too worried because I know how strong she is to be able to overcome the effects of chemo. Just one more cycle left! Hopefully her final CT scan shows complete disappearance of the lymphoma.
Lately Jackie and I have been talking about insurances. The biggest news these days has to do with Anthem Blue Cross, owned by Wellpoint Insurance Co, raising their insurance premiums by 39%. They raised rates last year as well. President Barack Obama, who is trying to pass a health insurance policy, is extremely angry at this insurance company raising rates while unemployment and uninsured Americans are at record highs. The president of Wellpoint, Angela Braly, showed up on capital hill to justify such rate hikes. Her justifications testified that “rising healthcare costs and the underpayment by government programs forced the company to raise premiums.” She also stated that due to the current recession healthy people or cancelling their policies so not enough money is being generated to support those who actually use their insurance policies. Representative Jan Schakowsky, a Democrat from Illinois asked the president how much money do you make. Her response was “my salary is $1.1 million. I receive stock compensation with a value of $8.5 million and last year an incentive payment of $73,000,".
This is how the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. When America is sufferring, these people are still making money. When will all this selfish atitude from CEO’s, politicians, and our country subside? When will the USA actually live up to its name of being united?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day 108
How do I contain a ball of energy that is harnessed inside my wife? Why does God let someone so young, active, and healthy have to endure such a long and humbling event? Hodgkin’s treatment seems to be never-ending. The weeks between treatments take the longest. For someone who is constantly on the go and active, this is the one treatment which turns her life 180 degrees. Is this a lesson from above? Is God trying to tell Jackie she needs to slow her life down and focus on other matters that she has been avoiding? Is God asking me to show a kind of love that I have not fathomed. God may also be teaching me to endure and sustain through situations which are bleak and gray. I do think a lot about why all this has happened. How does this affect me and my marriage? Is 8 months of marriage along with four years of dating enough adhesive to keep Jackie and I going? So far, I am only finding more and more strength as I watch my wife get stronger and stronger.
Jackie is definitely doing very well though. She is meeting with her doctor for their biweekly meetings before chemo. Chemo #6 is this Friday and then hopefully, with fingers crossed, just one more cycle. What I wonder the most is how she is responding to treatment. We won’t knot until end of March. Fingers crossed everyone!!
How do I contain a ball of energy that is harnessed inside my wife? Why does God let someone so young, active, and healthy have to endure such a long and humbling event? Hodgkin’s treatment seems to be never-ending. The weeks between treatments take the longest. For someone who is constantly on the go and active, this is the one treatment which turns her life 180 degrees. Is this a lesson from above? Is God trying to tell Jackie she needs to slow her life down and focus on other matters that she has been avoiding? Is God asking me to show a kind of love that I have not fathomed. God may also be teaching me to endure and sustain through situations which are bleak and gray. I do think a lot about why all this has happened. How does this affect me and my marriage? Is 8 months of marriage along with four years of dating enough adhesive to keep Jackie and I going? So far, I am only finding more and more strength as I watch my wife get stronger and stronger.
Jackie is definitely doing very well though. She is meeting with her doctor for their biweekly meetings before chemo. Chemo #6 is this Friday and then hopefully, with fingers crossed, just one more cycle. What I wonder the most is how she is responding to treatment. We won’t knot until end of March. Fingers crossed everyone!!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 107
My thoughts change everyday. I think I have been reading too many forums about Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The majority of posts on the forum are negative. According to those members the cured Hodgkin’s patients usually do not return to the forum to post. The forum is mostly for currently patients who need a place to vent and need advice. I tend to read every single symptoms, relapse event, and plan of treatment attentively. Every time I read about someone recommending Neulasta over Nuepogen or having 6 cycles instead of 4 cycles, it gets my head thinking. I start thinking if Jackie is heading the correct route. I start thinking if Jackie should have gone somewhere else for treatment. I start thinking when God is going to let me have my new wife back in good health.
Jackie is definitely more optimistic than me. No matter how involved or how much I want to be involved with her treatments, I will never understand it the way she does. I believe your body is able to tell you what it needs and feels. Jackie always tells me she knows her mass has shrunk. Yesterday she told me that the lymphoma is gone already. I believe in her entirely and I know that her body is healed. There are many things about our health and mind that is incomprehensible. Jackie is definitely going to prove this to me.
My thoughts change everyday. I think I have been reading too many forums about Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The majority of posts on the forum are negative. According to those members the cured Hodgkin’s patients usually do not return to the forum to post. The forum is mostly for currently patients who need a place to vent and need advice. I tend to read every single symptoms, relapse event, and plan of treatment attentively. Every time I read about someone recommending Neulasta over Nuepogen or having 6 cycles instead of 4 cycles, it gets my head thinking. I start thinking if Jackie is heading the correct route. I start thinking if Jackie should have gone somewhere else for treatment. I start thinking when God is going to let me have my new wife back in good health.
Jackie is definitely more optimistic than me. No matter how involved or how much I want to be involved with her treatments, I will never understand it the way she does. I believe your body is able to tell you what it needs and feels. Jackie always tells me she knows her mass has shrunk. Yesterday she told me that the lymphoma is gone already. I believe in her entirely and I know that her body is healed. There are many things about our health and mind that is incomprehensible. Jackie is definitely going to prove this to me.
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