Day 113
Do you ever wake up and realize everything that had happened was luckily only a dream. I am a pretty light sleeper and usually remember most of my dreams. There were many instances where I would be so sad because someone died, scared because I didn’t want to get hurt, or nervous because I didn’t finish an assignment. I could play each feeling and step I went through frame by frame. However, my scapegoat was that I would always wake up. That was how I felt the first few weeks Jackie was diagnosed. Every morning I would wake up hoping that all that happened was just a bad dream. My mind would trick myself into thinking that this lymphoma was fictional. Then I would roll over in bed and see the scar on my wife and all hope of normality would dissapate.
That only lasted a week or two until I learned to accept what was happening. Now that reality has settle in I still feel like I’m dreaming. Except my dreams this time are opposite. Jackie and I are engulfed in this world of Hodgkin’s and the future is always a arm’s stretch away. We dream of starting a family, having a stable career, settling down, and home ownership are so close we can touch it. Everything seems so realistic and simple, but we have to wait until Jackie has gone into remission. The time passes by slowly as we continue to dream. Hopefully when we wake up, all that will still be there.