Day 116
Jackie says I am too much of an idealist. I have been saying a lot without thinking twice that I wish things were different. I wish my job was better, I wish that we were in a different location, and I wish this never happened to Jackie and me. I am always trying to plan when how long it will take until her treatment is complete so we can move on with our lives. I like to make sure the rest of our lives together without Hodgkin’s can pick up from where we began. I just wanted our old lives back, our plans back, and the bright future ahead of us back.
I was definitely hit with a dose of reality that all my thoughts and intentions actually may be some sort of denial. I may not be confronting Hodgkin’s realistically and hoping that this part of our lives will be a lost memory. I guess I am not facing the fact that all this is part of my life. All that we are going through is our marriage story. This is life and it is not perfect. This is our life and new chapters will be introduced whether they are ideal or not.
I really have done all this so unconsciously. The last four months of my life I wish would be erased from my memory until todays ephiphany. I really have a lot of growing up today.