Day 82-84
Jackie had chemo#4 and we can say that according to original plan she is halfway through her treatments. Hopefully this is a final halfway point she ever has to face. Her session went very well except for the fact that she needs to receive five days of neupogen shots afterwards. Her only side effect is nausea a few hours afterwards and the metallic taste. She has been sucking on life savors and any type of sweets to rid the taste in her mouth. She has been sleeping quite a bit more than usual this weekend. The first day she spent more than half the day asleep.
Yesterday we were able to sit at home and talk about our lives and feelings. The life of cancer gives you no normalcy. It robs you of your dreams, goals, and plans. Your life is put on halt, with no true point of return. I have been guilty of treating as someone who is sick instead of my wife. I am constantly nagging her to eat, dress warmly, sleep etc. This is all done subconsciously. Yesterday she expressed to me that she no longer felt normal, even though she feels that way. My guilt overwhelms me for being overbearingly caring. Jackie has been robbed of a social life, a work life, and now married life. She is told to avoid the sun due to UV risks; her work schedule is obsolete due to no consistency is her treatment plan; and she feels that she is no longer a wife but a burden on me. All this has really made me think of why my actions of love have really been actions of extra stress. It really wouldn’t hurt her to skip one day ensure or even go out to Disneyland for a day of fun. I have only been a husband for eight months and a caregiver for three. I haven’t even had sufficient time to understand how to be a husband before all this had happened. All the forums, books, and advice I received on achieving a successful marriage have left out this chapter.
I woke up yesterday morning thinking how lucky we are that our situation is not complicated with children. I was trying to imagine how I would even start telling my child that mommy was sick or that mommy can not take you to the park because of the sun. There are many individuals with cancer who are in these types of situation. When mom or dad is sick, the other spouse has to pick up both roles. How would I have managed that while holding down a job? One answer may be love, but love has boundaries when a person’s mind and body are tired. I know for me, my love for Jackie has changed and matured. I am no longer in the honeymoon love where it is just the physical realm of playing make believe house. My love has become a deep concern and care for her well being. I still love her physically but my heart cries out when she is going through pain, it is excited when she has a good day, and concerned when she is troubled. Sometimes I feel I have lost my sense of self and am living my life for her. Luckily for me I know that Jackie loves me right back!