Day 93-94
The reason I keep track of my entries by numerical numbers instead of dates is because the more days that are recorded means the sooner I am to the end. The more days that pass means the more days Hodgkin’s has stolen part of Jackie and my life. The days that pass remind me of how spontaneous life is. You could be perfectly happy on day 0 but day 1 can flip your life around. The more days that pass reminds me more of how precious life is. The more days that pass reminds me how precious my wife is. Lastly, the more days that pass by the more hope I have to a better life, love, and marriage.
Jackie is ready for chemo #5. It is always a struggle for me around each chemo session. I’m always wondering if the treatment is correct, the dosage is right, or should we have changed the regimen up. I’m always wondering if we should have kept her bleomycin treatment going for a little longer before taking it completely away. Was the neupogen necessary each session for 5 days straight? When it comes to this situation there are no certain decisions but just a guideline. Studies are minimal and sometimes even contradictory. There is no guru oncologist, but just many combined brains. It racks my mind that I cannot do anything else for my wife but sit here helplessly and have these oncologists decide her fate. Each one can give their professional opinion but they can’t give an emotional opinion. Jackie was telling me about a new form of healing that has to do with bed side manner. The doctor takes their time to understand you personally in a loving fashion. This somehow triggers your body to heal faster. It’s amazing, yet a little too magical for me.
I am just glad there is no delay this week in treatment. I will be able to take her to chemo and care for her afterwards this treatment. It is ironic to say I am looking forward to chemo, but I definitely am excited to be able to hold her hand this week instead of seeing her after treatment.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 92
My blood tests came in today. I struggled to get out of bed four days ago to go get my blood drawn at 7am. I remember clearly turning over and telling my wife that it is not important, but she replied that it was better to get it done. Therefore, for the sake of keeping my wife’s worries gone, I pulled myself up and drove myself to the lab to get a full blood work up and urine test. Today the doctor called and Jackie was able to pick up and hear my results. In a sense I am very happy that my health is good. But mostly I am excited that I will not be a burden on my wife. I would not want my wife to have to deal with my health problems as well. This whole physical health check of mine was a great relief for both Jackie and myself.
As for Jackie, she is trying to keep herself busy. I know she wants to work very badly, but in a low economy and an unsteady schedule it is hard to find something to grasp onto. I am so touched because I know she wants to help with our finances. Her intentions are always so thoughtful and loving. She even went to apply for a census position with the government today. Her love and persistence is definitely a great driving force that keeps me going each day. Tomorrow is her blood work day and Friday is her next chemo. We are finally on track and a definite schedule of events. Slowly but gradually we will make it towards the finish line.
My blood tests came in today. I struggled to get out of bed four days ago to go get my blood drawn at 7am. I remember clearly turning over and telling my wife that it is not important, but she replied that it was better to get it done. Therefore, for the sake of keeping my wife’s worries gone, I pulled myself up and drove myself to the lab to get a full blood work up and urine test. Today the doctor called and Jackie was able to pick up and hear my results. In a sense I am very happy that my health is good. But mostly I am excited that I will not be a burden on my wife. I would not want my wife to have to deal with my health problems as well. This whole physical health check of mine was a great relief for both Jackie and myself.
As for Jackie, she is trying to keep herself busy. I know she wants to work very badly, but in a low economy and an unsteady schedule it is hard to find something to grasp onto. I am so touched because I know she wants to help with our finances. Her intentions are always so thoughtful and loving. She even went to apply for a census position with the government today. Her love and persistence is definitely a great driving force that keeps me going each day. Tomorrow is her blood work day and Friday is her next chemo. We are finally on track and a definite schedule of events. Slowly but gradually we will make it towards the finish line.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Day 89-91
Super Bowl weekend. I guess this weekend was exciting. My sister came over to spend time with us. The Super Bowl was on and was semi-entertaining. I just didn’t find the enjoyment this weekend as good as before. I’m not complaining about me current situation, but I guess it is harder to show 100% excitement during this time of our lives. Jackie is doing great right now. This week she is going to have chemo#5, which means she has complete 2 cycles already, halfway done!
We have been talking about children this weekend. Both of us agreed that we wanted children in the future. Jackie and I knew that we didn’t want to have them right away and now I understand why this decision was made so peacefully. If Jackie were to have gotten pregnant right away then she would have had to postpone treatment. I have heard testimonies about people with Hodgkin are who were also pregnant at the time. They had to postpone treatment to ensure the child did not receive side effects from infusions. The big concern we have now is once Jackie is done with treatment how long do we wait to have children. The prognosis for Hodgkin’s is high but one is not entirely announced “cured” until 5 years afterwards. During those five years there is more chance of relapsing. So how long do we wait until trying? Jackie wants to be sure her body rids all the toxins before trying. She also does not want to wait too long before trying. There are no statistics on what percentage are chances of relapse. It is all such a risk. This is like a long term chess game. Each day is planned carefully and each move has to have its risks and benefits carefully calculated.
Super Bowl weekend. I guess this weekend was exciting. My sister came over to spend time with us. The Super Bowl was on and was semi-entertaining. I just didn’t find the enjoyment this weekend as good as before. I’m not complaining about me current situation, but I guess it is harder to show 100% excitement during this time of our lives. Jackie is doing great right now. This week she is going to have chemo#5, which means she has complete 2 cycles already, halfway done!
We have been talking about children this weekend. Both of us agreed that we wanted children in the future. Jackie and I knew that we didn’t want to have them right away and now I understand why this decision was made so peacefully. If Jackie were to have gotten pregnant right away then she would have had to postpone treatment. I have heard testimonies about people with Hodgkin are who were also pregnant at the time. They had to postpone treatment to ensure the child did not receive side effects from infusions. The big concern we have now is once Jackie is done with treatment how long do we wait to have children. The prognosis for Hodgkin’s is high but one is not entirely announced “cured” until 5 years afterwards. During those five years there is more chance of relapsing. So how long do we wait until trying? Jackie wants to be sure her body rids all the toxins before trying. She also does not want to wait too long before trying. There are no statistics on what percentage are chances of relapse. It is all such a risk. This is like a long term chess game. Each day is planned carefully and each move has to have its risks and benefits carefully calculated.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Day 88
We have all heard the phrase, “what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.” I have had a similar idea run through my head the whole day. My phrase is more like, “whatever hardships confront you will only make you stronger.” It is ever so curious how God can use people and events in your life to teach you or remind you of a lesson. I was told by my dad last night to read the book of Job in the Old Testament because he was currently in that book. Later on today a friend of mine reminded me that even righteous people like Job suffer in life. Lastly, since Jackie and I have started our printed out plan to read the Bible in one year, today’s reading are form the book of Job. I would be a fool to not catch on that I am supposed to be reading about Job.
Now Job was a very righteous man, a devout man, a man of God. He was also a well off man with livestock, land, and children. Job had all his fortune taken away in one blow when he received message that his livestock, servants, and children were all taken away in one day. Job did not know that this was all a challenge that Satan rendered to God. Satan wanted to prove that a man would only be righteous when everything was going well for him. God wanted to prove Satan a true man of God would be fall away due to circumstances. Even when Job’s wife cursed God for their misfortune, Job never did.
Job definitely had it way worse that Jackie and I are currently facing right now. I know God has a plan for both of us and a teaching that may come out of our current circumstances. It sometimes seems so easy to blame our situation on a past sin or maybe even God. However, these are the situations that make us stronger in ourselves, relationships, and faith.
I was even reminded to stay strong through Kanye West’s song “Stronger” while listening to the radio later on in the day.
We have all heard the phrase, “what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.” I have had a similar idea run through my head the whole day. My phrase is more like, “whatever hardships confront you will only make you stronger.” It is ever so curious how God can use people and events in your life to teach you or remind you of a lesson. I was told by my dad last night to read the book of Job in the Old Testament because he was currently in that book. Later on today a friend of mine reminded me that even righteous people like Job suffer in life. Lastly, since Jackie and I have started our printed out plan to read the Bible in one year, today’s reading are form the book of Job. I would be a fool to not catch on that I am supposed to be reading about Job.
Now Job was a very righteous man, a devout man, a man of God. He was also a well off man with livestock, land, and children. Job had all his fortune taken away in one blow when he received message that his livestock, servants, and children were all taken away in one day. Job did not know that this was all a challenge that Satan rendered to God. Satan wanted to prove that a man would only be righteous when everything was going well for him. God wanted to prove Satan a true man of God would be fall away due to circumstances. Even when Job’s wife cursed God for their misfortune, Job never did.
Job definitely had it way worse that Jackie and I are currently facing right now. I know God has a plan for both of us and a teaching that may come out of our current circumstances. It sometimes seems so easy to blame our situation on a past sin or maybe even God. However, these are the situations that make us stronger in ourselves, relationships, and faith.
I was even reminded to stay strong through Kanye West’s song “Stronger” while listening to the radio later on in the day.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Day 86-87
Two days of neupogen and staying at home by oneself for a whole week can make one feel extremely lonesome. Luckily for Jackie she has 2 days of neupogen, with a day filled of activities, and a day of work. Even though work is tiring Jackie always seems happier after she comes back. It may be because she gets to leave the house or it may be because she feels productive. Whatever the reasons is, I feel and know she is happier having this one day of work.
I would never have thought of work the way she is right now. When I think of work, I think of when will the clock become 5pm or when is the weekend going to be here. Work is just a means of making money. People always say that if they didn’t need money then they wouldn’t have to work. However, I haven’t experienced the hidden appreciation for what I have until its going. At work I am able to converse with coworkers about last night’s game. I am able to feel productive and make money to support my family. I also am able to give myself quality time on the drive into work. So many small and overlooked points that I would have never thought of if it weren’t for my wife.
Even when Jackie is at home, she is teaching me how to appreciate what I have. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that Jackie really does have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I am not in denial, but its just incredible the way she handles the situation.
Two days of neupogen and staying at home by oneself for a whole week can make one feel extremely lonesome. Luckily for Jackie she has 2 days of neupogen, with a day filled of activities, and a day of work. Even though work is tiring Jackie always seems happier after she comes back. It may be because she gets to leave the house or it may be because she feels productive. Whatever the reasons is, I feel and know she is happier having this one day of work.
I would never have thought of work the way she is right now. When I think of work, I think of when will the clock become 5pm or when is the weekend going to be here. Work is just a means of making money. People always say that if they didn’t need money then they wouldn’t have to work. However, I haven’t experienced the hidden appreciation for what I have until its going. At work I am able to converse with coworkers about last night’s game. I am able to feel productive and make money to support my family. I also am able to give myself quality time on the drive into work. So many small and overlooked points that I would have never thought of if it weren’t for my wife.
Even when Jackie is at home, she is teaching me how to appreciate what I have. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that Jackie really does have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I am not in denial, but its just incredible the way she handles the situation.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Day 85
Another work week starts today. In a sense I feel that very conflicted about going to work. I know I need to go to work because we have to have some cash flow coming in. Having a job locks in Jackie’s health insurance which leads to her treatment. Work is somewhere that I can be able to converse with others as well. However, I do not like leaving my wife at home. I think about her the whole day and call constantly to make sure she is feeling alright. Then again, if Jackie didn’t have Hodgkin’s I would probably due the same.
Jackie is starting her neupogen series today. Five days of straight shots to stimulate bone marrow production. Day 4 and 5 are always the days she has bone pain. Her schedule towards the treatment is pretty much understood by now. The first day of chemo she sleeps all day and wakes up feeling nauseous. The first 4 days she has a metallic taste in her mouth which can not be rid of. Her blood counts start to drop probably around the beginning of her off week, so they stimulate her with neupogen before it can drop. She is fine for her off week and then it starts over again.
Time seems to be going in slow motion. My first year at this job seemed to fly by because we were constantly busy with wedding preparations, trips, and playing house. Now that Jackie is getting treatment the weeks slowly roll by. I wish they would hurry up and Jackie would be on her last ABVD cycle. It has only been less than three months, but it seems like years to me. I hope remission comes to her soon because both her and I need it!
Another work week starts today. In a sense I feel that very conflicted about going to work. I know I need to go to work because we have to have some cash flow coming in. Having a job locks in Jackie’s health insurance which leads to her treatment. Work is somewhere that I can be able to converse with others as well. However, I do not like leaving my wife at home. I think about her the whole day and call constantly to make sure she is feeling alright. Then again, if Jackie didn’t have Hodgkin’s I would probably due the same.
Jackie is starting her neupogen series today. Five days of straight shots to stimulate bone marrow production. Day 4 and 5 are always the days she has bone pain. Her schedule towards the treatment is pretty much understood by now. The first day of chemo she sleeps all day and wakes up feeling nauseous. The first 4 days she has a metallic taste in her mouth which can not be rid of. Her blood counts start to drop probably around the beginning of her off week, so they stimulate her with neupogen before it can drop. She is fine for her off week and then it starts over again.
Time seems to be going in slow motion. My first year at this job seemed to fly by because we were constantly busy with wedding preparations, trips, and playing house. Now that Jackie is getting treatment the weeks slowly roll by. I wish they would hurry up and Jackie would be on her last ABVD cycle. It has only been less than three months, but it seems like years to me. I hope remission comes to her soon because both her and I need it!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Day 82-84
Jackie had chemo#4 and we can say that according to original plan she is halfway through her treatments. Hopefully this is a final halfway point she ever has to face. Her session went very well except for the fact that she needs to receive five days of neupogen shots afterwards. Her only side effect is nausea a few hours afterwards and the metallic taste. She has been sucking on life savors and any type of sweets to rid the taste in her mouth. She has been sleeping quite a bit more than usual this weekend. The first day she spent more than half the day asleep.
Yesterday we were able to sit at home and talk about our lives and feelings. The life of cancer gives you no normalcy. It robs you of your dreams, goals, and plans. Your life is put on halt, with no true point of return. I have been guilty of treating as someone who is sick instead of my wife. I am constantly nagging her to eat, dress warmly, sleep etc. This is all done subconsciously. Yesterday she expressed to me that she no longer felt normal, even though she feels that way. My guilt overwhelms me for being overbearingly caring. Jackie has been robbed of a social life, a work life, and now married life. She is told to avoid the sun due to UV risks; her work schedule is obsolete due to no consistency is her treatment plan; and she feels that she is no longer a wife but a burden on me. All this has really made me think of why my actions of love have really been actions of extra stress. It really wouldn’t hurt her to skip one day ensure or even go out to Disneyland for a day of fun. I have only been a husband for eight months and a caregiver for three. I haven’t even had sufficient time to understand how to be a husband before all this had happened. All the forums, books, and advice I received on achieving a successful marriage have left out this chapter.
I woke up yesterday morning thinking how lucky we are that our situation is not complicated with children. I was trying to imagine how I would even start telling my child that mommy was sick or that mommy can not take you to the park because of the sun. There are many individuals with cancer who are in these types of situation. When mom or dad is sick, the other spouse has to pick up both roles. How would I have managed that while holding down a job? One answer may be love, but love has boundaries when a person’s mind and body are tired. I know for me, my love for Jackie has changed and matured. I am no longer in the honeymoon love where it is just the physical realm of playing make believe house. My love has become a deep concern and care for her well being. I still love her physically but my heart cries out when she is going through pain, it is excited when she has a good day, and concerned when she is troubled. Sometimes I feel I have lost my sense of self and am living my life for her. Luckily for me I know that Jackie loves me right back!
Jackie had chemo#4 and we can say that according to original plan she is halfway through her treatments. Hopefully this is a final halfway point she ever has to face. Her session went very well except for the fact that she needs to receive five days of neupogen shots afterwards. Her only side effect is nausea a few hours afterwards and the metallic taste. She has been sucking on life savors and any type of sweets to rid the taste in her mouth. She has been sleeping quite a bit more than usual this weekend. The first day she spent more than half the day asleep.
Yesterday we were able to sit at home and talk about our lives and feelings. The life of cancer gives you no normalcy. It robs you of your dreams, goals, and plans. Your life is put on halt, with no true point of return. I have been guilty of treating as someone who is sick instead of my wife. I am constantly nagging her to eat, dress warmly, sleep etc. This is all done subconsciously. Yesterday she expressed to me that she no longer felt normal, even though she feels that way. My guilt overwhelms me for being overbearingly caring. Jackie has been robbed of a social life, a work life, and now married life. She is told to avoid the sun due to UV risks; her work schedule is obsolete due to no consistency is her treatment plan; and she feels that she is no longer a wife but a burden on me. All this has really made me think of why my actions of love have really been actions of extra stress. It really wouldn’t hurt her to skip one day ensure or even go out to Disneyland for a day of fun. I have only been a husband for eight months and a caregiver for three. I haven’t even had sufficient time to understand how to be a husband before all this had happened. All the forums, books, and advice I received on achieving a successful marriage have left out this chapter.
I woke up yesterday morning thinking how lucky we are that our situation is not complicated with children. I was trying to imagine how I would even start telling my child that mommy was sick or that mommy can not take you to the park because of the sun. There are many individuals with cancer who are in these types of situation. When mom or dad is sick, the other spouse has to pick up both roles. How would I have managed that while holding down a job? One answer may be love, but love has boundaries when a person’s mind and body are tired. I know for me, my love for Jackie has changed and matured. I am no longer in the honeymoon love where it is just the physical realm of playing make believe house. My love has become a deep concern and care for her well being. I still love her physically but my heart cries out when she is going through pain, it is excited when she has a good day, and concerned when she is troubled. Sometimes I feel I have lost my sense of self and am living my life for her. Luckily for me I know that Jackie loves me right back!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)