Day 61-63
This weekend Jackie and I spent a quiet but fun time together. Jackie is so full of energy and being at home must everyday must be such a downer. Her personality consists of keeping busy and active. I, on the other hand, can lounge around the house being lazy or spend a busy day out. I found myself trying to think of events and ideas that Jackie and I could do to make the time pass. She was told by the doctor to stay away from public places. So many things such as movies, parks, and events that we use to visit cannot be visited anymore. Lately, we have been spending more time shopping, watching movies at home, puzzles, and even experimenting with golf. I’m hoping to find something enjoyable and safe for both of us to have.
This week is chemo #3. She took her 4th set of lab tests on Friday and will see the doctor tomorrow with results. If all is well, she will be having her infusion Tuesday. We are hoping last times lab result were a fluke. Hopefully her white blood cells remain in a normal range and she does not have to be put on a higher alert. She feels fine and her hair has stopped falling out as much. Everyone is in good spirits in this household and pray to remain this way. But tomorrow holds another day…for better or for worse.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Day 60
Jackie came back home today to take her pulmonary function test. This test measurers your lung capacity to assess any lung damage. Bleomycin has a tendency to cause lung damage. I have read articles stating that Bleomycin works early on in treatments. Many doctors choose to take their patients off the drug towards the end of the treatment. Chemo treatment is a fragile balance between making sure the cancer cells have eradicated and keeping the risks of harming your body low. Jackie is only on treatment number 2, but she is responding better and better each day. Next week, if her blood count is normal, will be the third infusion.
Coming back home from a busy day a work and seeing a smiling face of your wife must be the best feeling. Even though it was a mere three days, the time seemed longer and slower. Maybe I still have a bit of my honeymoon stage in me.
Her hair has started to fall out minimally. There are more pieces found on the ground, but still able to be counted on my fingers and toes. Her rash has subsided and her skin is actually getting better from my observations. I wonder if the steroids that are mixed in with the treatment control her eczema better. I have read so many different blogs and personal testimonies on the side effects of chemo. I don’t ever see much of a correlation except nausea, hair loss, and possibly constipation. Every infusion results differently and every day is a mystery that awaits the next.
Jackie came back home today to take her pulmonary function test. This test measurers your lung capacity to assess any lung damage. Bleomycin has a tendency to cause lung damage. I have read articles stating that Bleomycin works early on in treatments. Many doctors choose to take their patients off the drug towards the end of the treatment. Chemo treatment is a fragile balance between making sure the cancer cells have eradicated and keeping the risks of harming your body low. Jackie is only on treatment number 2, but she is responding better and better each day. Next week, if her blood count is normal, will be the third infusion.
Coming back home from a busy day a work and seeing a smiling face of your wife must be the best feeling. Even though it was a mere three days, the time seemed longer and slower. Maybe I still have a bit of my honeymoon stage in me.
Her hair has started to fall out minimally. There are more pieces found on the ground, but still able to be counted on my fingers and toes. Her rash has subsided and her skin is actually getting better from my observations. I wonder if the steroids that are mixed in with the treatment control her eczema better. I have read so many different blogs and personal testimonies on the side effects of chemo. I don’t ever see much of a correlation except nausea, hair loss, and possibly constipation. Every infusion results differently and every day is a mystery that awaits the next.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Day 59
My mind often drifts and wanders after a day of work. I started going through some wedding pictures and ended up watching my wedding slideshow. Even though my wedding was only eight months away, I feel that the stages of marriage have flown by. My honeymoon stage has definitely been reduced. I no longer feel as much of the sappy and mushy feelings felt during this time. Instead, I have advanced to a feeling of true love. Jackie’s well being is the most important thing to me. It is my existence and my obsession. The life from my wedding day is long past. So much has changed, my mind has matured, and my marriage has become real. I must have skipped a few years since those eight months, hopefully I didn’t miss much.
Jackie’s chest x-rays came out negative. So far, so good. Her second treatment seems to show a lot less side effects than the prior. I continue to cross my fingers. She will be going in for another pulmonary function test. I like to think the doctor’s are being extra careful with her because she is my wife. Due to this sudden appointment, Jackie will come back early. I no longer have to ponder about unchangeable events.
My mind often drifts and wanders after a day of work. I started going through some wedding pictures and ended up watching my wedding slideshow. Even though my wedding was only eight months away, I feel that the stages of marriage have flown by. My honeymoon stage has definitely been reduced. I no longer feel as much of the sappy and mushy feelings felt during this time. Instead, I have advanced to a feeling of true love. Jackie’s well being is the most important thing to me. It is my existence and my obsession. The life from my wedding day is long past. So much has changed, my mind has matured, and my marriage has become real. I must have skipped a few years since those eight months, hopefully I didn’t miss much.
Jackie’s chest x-rays came out negative. So far, so good. Her second treatment seems to show a lot less side effects than the prior. I continue to cross my fingers. She will be going in for another pulmonary function test. I like to think the doctor’s are being extra careful with her because she is my wife. Due to this sudden appointment, Jackie will come back early. I no longer have to ponder about unchangeable events.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Day 58
The second day of alone time was a lot like the first day. I woke up to spend the 9 hours at work. I don’t feel like there is any urgency to return home, so I take my time driving home. Once home I make myself a simple dinner and waste the rest of night away before bed. Life without my wife is very slow and stagnant. There is definitely nobody to run home to, nobody to do things for, and nobody to love.
Today I was calculating my monthly expenses to make sure I am in tune with reality. The expenses have remained steady but income has dwindled by half. Times are definitely tougher and money is definitely dwindling. But to tell you the truth, I don’t care. All this is considered material and temporary. I want my wife to get better and live her life. I feel life has robbed her already with Hodgkin’s, why should she be robbed of happiness. Plus, money is replenishable. Both Jackie and I are young and well educated. It is just a short few months before we will be able to establish our career, family, and life. In the meantime, I can pick up the slack. I am definitely young and capable. Enjoy life, celebrate each moment, and be grateful what I have. Life is what Jackie and I will make it out to be.
The second day of alone time was a lot like the first day. I woke up to spend the 9 hours at work. I don’t feel like there is any urgency to return home, so I take my time driving home. Once home I make myself a simple dinner and waste the rest of night away before bed. Life without my wife is very slow and stagnant. There is definitely nobody to run home to, nobody to do things for, and nobody to love.
Today I was calculating my monthly expenses to make sure I am in tune with reality. The expenses have remained steady but income has dwindled by half. Times are definitely tougher and money is definitely dwindling. But to tell you the truth, I don’t care. All this is considered material and temporary. I want my wife to get better and live her life. I feel life has robbed her already with Hodgkin’s, why should she be robbed of happiness. Plus, money is replenishable. Both Jackie and I are young and well educated. It is just a short few months before we will be able to establish our career, family, and life. In the meantime, I can pick up the slack. I am definitely young and capable. Enjoy life, celebrate each moment, and be grateful what I have. Life is what Jackie and I will make it out to be.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Day 57
I’m going to be alone this week. After a long debate on whether or not Jackie should go home or stay here with me on her off week. I did not want Jackie to go due to obvious reasons. However, I did not want Jackie to be alone during the day while I’m gone. So the dilemma was between my own selfish desires or the well being of my wife. Once I put it that way, the decision was easy. At least, Jackie won’t be gone long. She will be back in five days. I miss her very dearly but it does give me some alone time to self reflect and retreat to my quiet time. It is eerie how quiet things can get by oneself. I sit here pondering on these last 2 months with not a single distraction around. The silence in the room is a bore and makes me lackluster. Life is not meant to be along. I was listening to a Harvard psychologist talk about “happiness” today. “People who are in relationships are more likely to be happy.” Personally, I can concur. I have never known what self sacrifice is until I got married. I have not been able to comprehend love before until marriage. As Jackie and I are facing this trial in our life, I find myself closer and more in love with her. I live my life for my wife, and it makes me happy. Because of my wife, I can keep pursuing happiness.
I’m going to be alone this week. After a long debate on whether or not Jackie should go home or stay here with me on her off week. I did not want Jackie to go due to obvious reasons. However, I did not want Jackie to be alone during the day while I’m gone. So the dilemma was between my own selfish desires or the well being of my wife. Once I put it that way, the decision was easy. At least, Jackie won’t be gone long. She will be back in five days. I miss her very dearly but it does give me some alone time to self reflect and retreat to my quiet time. It is eerie how quiet things can get by oneself. I sit here pondering on these last 2 months with not a single distraction around. The silence in the room is a bore and makes me lackluster. Life is not meant to be along. I was listening to a Harvard psychologist talk about “happiness” today. “People who are in relationships are more likely to be happy.” Personally, I can concur. I have never known what self sacrifice is until I got married. I have not been able to comprehend love before until marriage. As Jackie and I are facing this trial in our life, I find myself closer and more in love with her. I live my life for my wife, and it makes me happy. Because of my wife, I can keep pursuing happiness.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day 56
Quiet time. Life has been in full swing for the last two weeks. People call morning and night from all around the world for the past two months. Every conversation I have always ends up on the subject of Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I have explained the same story repetitively. I know sometimes friends and family do not want to bother Jackie, so they call me instead. I really do appreciate all the concern I get from everyone. You really see who earnestly cares and love during this time.
Today my mother in law left to take a break. I’m glad she gets time off to break from the constant concern and worries that come along with Hodgkin’s. I am also thankful to be able to enjoy the alone time I have with my wife. It seems so simple, but it is so treasured. I miss the shopping trips to target, the coffee shop chats, small dinners, and even watching a movie at home. These are all basic but so cherished. This is my therapy. Life definitely needs it’s balance.
Quiet time. Life has been in full swing for the last two weeks. People call morning and night from all around the world for the past two months. Every conversation I have always ends up on the subject of Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I have explained the same story repetitively. I know sometimes friends and family do not want to bother Jackie, so they call me instead. I really do appreciate all the concern I get from everyone. You really see who earnestly cares and love during this time.
Today my mother in law left to take a break. I’m glad she gets time off to break from the constant concern and worries that come along with Hodgkin’s. I am also thankful to be able to enjoy the alone time I have with my wife. It seems so simple, but it is so treasured. I miss the shopping trips to target, the coffee shop chats, small dinners, and even watching a movie at home. These are all basic but so cherished. This is my therapy. Life definitely needs it’s balance.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Day 54-55
Chemo #2 has been going very well; Jackie hasn’t been struggling with any problems. She has been staying at home everyday trying to avoid sun exposure. Everyday it is just watching TV, cooking, and sleeping. I hope she can do more soon, but its better not to take any risks.
This new years was very uneventful. It was low key with just Jackie, her mother and I. The atmosphere seems a lot more unenthusiastic when a family member is under treatment. I cannot say I have too many new years’ resolutions so far. My obvious resolution is to support and care for Jackie and she recover.
As for myself, stress is getting to me. I am very lackluster and troubled. I can’t figure myself out whether I am stressed out or just not being realistic. I feel that I am pressured by work, care giving for Jackie, and trying to deal with the stress that comes from family. I have not been able to explain or express myself to anyone since this whole ordeal started. I felt that I was mentally ready to handle all of it. The more I denied myself help, the more exacerbated my stress began. Today, I think I had a slight break down. My wife is not only a strong character inside but also a great spouse. She is able to help me share myself and express my stresses. I felt all alone and lost at first, but I guess I have to learn how to open up. I learned that is not unmanly to ask for help when needed. If is more self destroying to keep stress stored up internally.
Chemo #2 has been going very well; Jackie hasn’t been struggling with any problems. She has been staying at home everyday trying to avoid sun exposure. Everyday it is just watching TV, cooking, and sleeping. I hope she can do more soon, but its better not to take any risks.
This new years was very uneventful. It was low key with just Jackie, her mother and I. The atmosphere seems a lot more unenthusiastic when a family member is under treatment. I cannot say I have too many new years’ resolutions so far. My obvious resolution is to support and care for Jackie and she recover.
As for myself, stress is getting to me. I am very lackluster and troubled. I can’t figure myself out whether I am stressed out or just not being realistic. I feel that I am pressured by work, care giving for Jackie, and trying to deal with the stress that comes from family. I have not been able to explain or express myself to anyone since this whole ordeal started. I felt that I was mentally ready to handle all of it. The more I denied myself help, the more exacerbated my stress began. Today, I think I had a slight break down. My wife is not only a strong character inside but also a great spouse. She is able to help me share myself and express my stresses. I felt all alone and lost at first, but I guess I have to learn how to open up. I learned that is not unmanly to ask for help when needed. If is more self destroying to keep stress stored up internally.
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