Day 140
Lately my world has been very down. I been very anxious about the end of chemotherapy and the beginning of something potentially worse. Summer is coming around and it gets hotter and hotter in this desert environment. My work is getting busier and busier. To top it all off, I have been sick for almost a week now. Today was the same story with a slight twist. Jackie had her radiation oncology appointment. This appointment was very important and many questions had to be answered. Jackie explained her experience as the best doctor she has ever had. She told me the office starts off with her 25 foot long indoor waterfall. At the end of the waterfall you were checked in and offerred snacks and drinks. The doctor was a very well knowledged woman who was confident in what she did. She explained that low dose radiation was deinitely the most advantageous to cure. She also was very sure that this new PET scan (not CT) was not going to show any signs of disease. She also was pretty certain she would miss most healthy tissue only possibly affecting the thyroid. She was a caring, informative doctor with great beside manners. Having Jackie enthusiastically explain her experience to me really made my day even a slight tear in my eyes. My afternnon work schedule stayed chaotic but nothing could have brought me down. So our plans are nothing for the next 2 weeks, then PET scan, and then radiation. Another upside note was that Jackie would be doing at most four weeks of radiation!

Day 136
I had to take a sick day off today. It was good for me to get some rest and have my body heal itself. I also got to see how chemo effects my wife the third day. She spends most of the morning lounging around due to the spouts of pain, altered taste from medication, and the icky feeling of chemo. Around noon time she eats and heads off to get her Neupogen shot. She comes home and usually lies down before I return around 5pm. I’m so glad this is her last one!Tomorrow she has a preconsultation with her radiation oncologist. It is more of a meet and greet then anything else. Radiation scares me. The biggest dilemna of Hodgkin’s is whether or not to radiate. The nurse oncologist told us that one of the lasrgest side effects is a sore throat. Some people have it so bad that they need a feeding tube in order to receive nourishment. I don’t want to picture my wife under a feeding tube. I hope the radiation oncologist has some happier news and a more positive outcome from treatment. The best news would be no radiation at all. Crossing fingers right now.

Day 137-138
Since the beginning of our diagnosis I have tried so hard to keep our house germ free. We clean constantly, vacuum, and wash intently. Jackie’s temperature is taken after chemo and we make sure that she eats very well. Every sigh and movement is amplified to me. Both Jackie and I have gotten regular flu shots and H1N1 shots. Seven treatments down and no signs of infections or sickness. This last cycle was going the same way until I got sick! I thought it was allergies due to my sniffling nose, constant sneezing, and slightly itchy eyes. It is the beginning of spring time where new flowers are blooming, pollen is in the air, and grass is being reseeded. Well this weekend it has definitely escalated. I am having a runny nose, drowsiness, sneezing, and coughing. I tried so hard not to get sick during Jackie’s treatment, but I failed. I have been trying to avoid Jackie and volunteered to sleep in the other room. I make Jackie sit on the other side of the room. Jackie ends up taking care of me more than I am her.
So today Jackie was suffering from her routine side effects of day 2 chemo. She has a horrible taste in her mouth, stomach aches, and occasional nausea. I usually can help her out, but today I was entirely helpless. I could not taste anything, my temperature seems to fluctuate from hot to cold, and it was sore to move around. We ended up sitting on the couch for ¾ of the day and ¼ of the day in bed. Not the most exciting weekend. I feel that this is such a small ordeal for me and I should man up. Jackie needs me to be her husband, not a baby.

Day 136
Celebration time… wohoo!!!! Chemo is done and gone, forever? The festivities are not exactly what I expected. No emotional breakdowns, no hugging and farewells, no congratualatory cake. It was actually very quiet. Jackie walked in and had her needle placed in. She fell asleep and 2 hours later we went home. There was no celebration but more of a relief. After four months, eight grueling infusions, 136 days, countless aches and pains, my wife has finished. Each infusion just gets more difficult. There is no longer any hype about chemo, it is only another chore to get through. But my wife has endured and she is a true fighter.
The doctors and nurses are very impressed with Jackie having all her hair still. They stated that Adriamycin, nicknamed “Red Devil,” always causes all hair to fall out. Only Jackie and one other patient have kept there hair. My wife is a fighter and she can handle any obstacle. I guess we have only won the battle but not the war. The celebration for the battle does not start until next week when all her side effects from todays chemo goes away. Then… war time!

Day 135
Today I was comforted by a good friend of mine. I have been worried much about Jackie’s next step in her fight. We have been referred to a radiation oncologist who graduated from UCLA and has become the medical director of the cancer center. However, our cancer center is local and has no prestigious reputation. My friend reassured me that radiation oncologist are the cream of the crop and graduating from UCLA is no small feat. She probably has no idea how much her words meant to me. I am always worried that Jackie is not with the correct doctors or the best qualified ones. To know that a good friend and the oncologist at Cedars Sinai can both agree that the local radiation oncology is just as qualified puts me as ease.
Tomorrow is the day. How will tomorrow be different from all those other visits? Will there be laughter or crying? It is very emotional and sensitive time. Jackie and I will both need each others shoulders for support.

Day 133-134
Why am I not excited about Jackie finishing up chemo? I am just getting more anxious as Friday comes closer and closer. Chemo has been a part of our lives. Every other Friday we grab the blanket at noon time and head off to the oncology office. For the last four months we have been regulars at the office. Jackie has gotten to know the staff very well. The nurses knew exactly how Jackie would try to stay awake for 30 minutes but end up falling asleep for 2 hours. She would wake up drowsy and I would drive her home where we would drink lots of water and watch endless movies. That was life. What happens next?
Jackie had her final appointment with the oncologist. I was hoping he would slowly let go of our hands and guide us slowly into our next transition. We were curious on how soon our next scans would be, if it was possible to skip the radiation due to a recent study, or if we could get a second opinon for radiation at Cedars Sinai. It feels like we are back at day 1. We are lost once again with only faint hints to get us through this ordeal. The oncologist only told us that he will schedule an appointment with the radiation oncologist, where she will order scan and a referral to Cedars Sinai. He said the radiation oncologist will decide how to proceed with treatment and then said he’ll see Jackie in a month.
Jackie has been passed on. He has deferred Jackie’s treatment onto someone else. We are no longer on the same team, but got traded onto another. I’m not sure if this is normal protocol but I do feel betrayed. I am understanding real life more and more. There are no longer parents or teachers to hold your hand, but everything is business. Once one’s responsibility is done then you are passed on. Our team only consists of Jackie and I.

Day 129-132
Lask week of chemo has finally started. The light at the end of the tunnel is in view now. Tomorrow is the blood test, Wednesday is the meeting to discuss our nest step, and Friday is the last infusion. The post chemo nerves are hitting. What if the chemo didn’t work? If the new scan shows no signs of lymphoma, do we really need radiation? How long do we have to wait before radiation? By default most people including me seem to think negatively. I try to convince myself of the positive. I figure if I think the worse nothing can catch me by surprise. I have been praying espescially hard this last week, hoping that God would perform a miraculous touch.
Jackie seems so happy lately. This weekend we went back home to celebrate her mother’s birthday. We helped rearrange furniture in the house. There were around twenty family members there. She planned out the event, arranged the food, and made sure everyone had a good time. She is definitely such a giver. She works so hard towards her family and I. She always thinks about other. I just wish I could giver her more. I wish I could perform a miracle… find a cure… something…