Day 175-179
A quarter shy of 200 days and we can finally see the finish line. One last week of radiation and then what? For the past half year we have revolved our lives around Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Every move we made whether it was to go out for the weekend or plan where we would settle and start a family has been based around Hodgkin’s. We have carried this weight of Hodgkin’s around us it has become ingrained into our thought process. We have rearranged our priorities so that Jackie’s health is numero uno in our family. Now that it is coming to a close how will life persist? Will Jackie and I be able to really put Hodgkin’s behind us? Life has definitely changed. My wife and I have gone through our first disaster together. Our next step is to celebrate life and start a family. How much different will this new life be though? Even the doctor told Jackie that every bump, itch, and mark on her body will heighten her senstivity. I would hate for Jackie to live in fear that Hodgkin’s will return. I can’t even imagine what would happen if it did. I am just trying to embrace the thought of being carefree and disease free.
The worse of it all has definitely subsided. Everyone reacts to cancer treatment differently. I have seen chemo being the worse and I have also seen radiation being bad. I have seen loved ones embrace their family member and offer unfathomable support and also read about couples splitting up over this. I have expected the worse at times and also watch the best. At times I have been extremely stressed and at the verge of losing sanity, but in the end I have stood right next to my wife. God has given me patience and Hodgkin’s has put it to the test.
Jackie’s hair is no longer falling out nor thinning. Her hair is getting thicker and she will plan to grow out her luxurious hair again. She suufers from a slightly irritated throat which hopefully will go away in a week. The future of side effects is yet to come, but at least we see that glorious finish lin.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Day 173-175
Radiation is definitely flying by. 6 more days of radiation and then we are all done. Jackie is so far doing very well, she does get the occasional throat pain and a little skin sensitivity around treatment area. Doctors said there is only a 5-10% chance that this would come back. Those are definitely great odds. We even talked about taking the port out. At first I was not willing to take the port out until everything was definitely in the clear. Jackie on the other hand wants the port gone. It is after all her body and tf respect her strength and endurance throughout this process. If she wants the port out I will be there for her. There is such a rush of celebration and anxiousness. I want to take her out to celebrate. I want to take her away from all this and leave Hodgkin’s behind us. She has fought the battle out. Even her hair is starting to grow back. I no longer wake up and find hair all over the place. Her physical strength is getting better as well. She is starting to hit the gym and doing more and more. I love the way she is and how she can endure through all these trials. For anyone out there who is going through a similar ordeal, there is a way and a light at the end of the tunnel. This is the ultimate marathon with many unpredictable obstacles, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Hang in there and be strong for each other. The end is near and the future is bright!
Radiation is definitely flying by. 6 more days of radiation and then we are all done. Jackie is so far doing very well, she does get the occasional throat pain and a little skin sensitivity around treatment area. Doctors said there is only a 5-10% chance that this would come back. Those are definitely great odds. We even talked about taking the port out. At first I was not willing to take the port out until everything was definitely in the clear. Jackie on the other hand wants the port gone. It is after all her body and tf respect her strength and endurance throughout this process. If she wants the port out I will be there for her. There is such a rush of celebration and anxiousness. I want to take her out to celebrate. I want to take her away from all this and leave Hodgkin’s behind us. She has fought the battle out. Even her hair is starting to grow back. I no longer wake up and find hair all over the place. Her physical strength is getting better as well. She is starting to hit the gym and doing more and more. I love the way she is and how she can endure through all these trials. For anyone out there who is going through a similar ordeal, there is a way and a light at the end of the tunnel. This is the ultimate marathon with many unpredictable obstacles, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Hang in there and be strong for each other. The end is near and the future is bright!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Day 169-172
Happy one year anniversary Jackie. The first year of marriage is when you are madly in love, honeymoon phase, full of awe for your spouse. You spouse is your life and you don’t want to spend a single minute apart. Going out on lavish vacation to exotic islands, decorating the house together, and maybe even getting a dog. None of that was found in my marriage. Our first year was a trial. It was a test of patience, love, and sanity. Thinking back a year ago it seemed like the perfect scenario. Two newly graduated doctors with full time jobs decide to join paths. Moving in together and saving tons of money to buy a house they can call home. It was great that we had each other 24/7, we enjoyed all the best restaurants and could take mini trips anytime we wanted. In a blink of an eye, the world changed. One small bump on the neck, no insurance, and a series of diagnostic tests which exposes itself as cancer. I still remember that night Jackie told me. We spent an many hours of our fairy tale life trying to help a church member find her lost child. How heroic it seemed, with me totally oblivious to Jackie’s condition. After the child was finally found we drove home. Jackie decided to tell me while driving. I guess she thought I was strong enough to handle the news and I apparently was able to trick myself into thinking the same. However, deep down inside everything collapsed. I was in a wreck the next 2 months. One minute I was completely stressed out thinking I need pyschological help and the other minute I was in denial. Our perfect marriage was totally blown up I thought. Life does show remarkable enlightement. The calmest one was also the victim. She was the one who put a new perspective on me. Life is the present and real. Fairy tales belong in movies.
Six months later, here we are. One year of marriage. We are still madly in love. We are about to conquer this feat of cancer. I have grown in this marriage and self edification ridiculously. I can’t fathom how this experience has changed me. A year of marriage seems like a decade of life lessons. I learned how to be a husband, a caregiver, a friend, a doctor, a coworker, a son, a listener, and most of all a better person.
Happy one year anniversary Jackie. The first year of marriage is when you are madly in love, honeymoon phase, full of awe for your spouse. You spouse is your life and you don’t want to spend a single minute apart. Going out on lavish vacation to exotic islands, decorating the house together, and maybe even getting a dog. None of that was found in my marriage. Our first year was a trial. It was a test of patience, love, and sanity. Thinking back a year ago it seemed like the perfect scenario. Two newly graduated doctors with full time jobs decide to join paths. Moving in together and saving tons of money to buy a house they can call home. It was great that we had each other 24/7, we enjoyed all the best restaurants and could take mini trips anytime we wanted. In a blink of an eye, the world changed. One small bump on the neck, no insurance, and a series of diagnostic tests which exposes itself as cancer. I still remember that night Jackie told me. We spent an many hours of our fairy tale life trying to help a church member find her lost child. How heroic it seemed, with me totally oblivious to Jackie’s condition. After the child was finally found we drove home. Jackie decided to tell me while driving. I guess she thought I was strong enough to handle the news and I apparently was able to trick myself into thinking the same. However, deep down inside everything collapsed. I was in a wreck the next 2 months. One minute I was completely stressed out thinking I need pyschological help and the other minute I was in denial. Our perfect marriage was totally blown up I thought. Life does show remarkable enlightement. The calmest one was also the victim. She was the one who put a new perspective on me. Life is the present and real. Fairy tales belong in movies.
Six months later, here we are. One year of marriage. We are still madly in love. We are about to conquer this feat of cancer. I have grown in this marriage and self edification ridiculously. I can’t fathom how this experience has changed me. A year of marriage seems like a decade of life lessons. I learned how to be a husband, a caregiver, a friend, a doctor, a coworker, a son, a listener, and most of all a better person.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Day 167-168
7 days of radiation have gone by. The 7th day should be one of rest. Jackie seems to be having slight throat issues and fatigue. She doesn’t want to admit it, but I know she is tired. Sometimes I wish she would just let me do things and not be so stubborn about what she is feeling. We having been talking a lot about weddings and prenuptual agreements recently. The subject comes up because this weekend is our first wedding anniversary, and a few of our friends are getting married. In the beginning I was expecting to become the breadwinner, the cook, cleaner, and entertainment. However, now she has become the cook, cleaner, and working a job. There is no fair solution in a marriage. There is no insurance policy when you dive into a relationship. There is only commitment and love. If I knew that Jackie was going to have Hodgkin’s lymphoma six months into our marriage, would I have signed up? Life is unpredicatable and marriage is full of challenges. If I was going to protect myself before even getting married with a prenuptual then I might as well have taken out the portion of my vows in sickness or in health. A prenuptual is just a foothold to a failed marriage.
7 days of radiation have gone by. The 7th day should be one of rest. Jackie seems to be having slight throat issues and fatigue. She doesn’t want to admit it, but I know she is tired. Sometimes I wish she would just let me do things and not be so stubborn about what she is feeling. We having been talking a lot about weddings and prenuptual agreements recently. The subject comes up because this weekend is our first wedding anniversary, and a few of our friends are getting married. In the beginning I was expecting to become the breadwinner, the cook, cleaner, and entertainment. However, now she has become the cook, cleaner, and working a job. There is no fair solution in a marriage. There is no insurance policy when you dive into a relationship. There is only commitment and love. If I knew that Jackie was going to have Hodgkin’s lymphoma six months into our marriage, would I have signed up? Life is unpredicatable and marriage is full of challenges. If I was going to protect myself before even getting married with a prenuptual then I might as well have taken out the portion of my vows in sickness or in health. A prenuptual is just a foothold to a failed marriage.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Day 165-166
Jackie is going through radiation very smoothly so far. We keep reiterating to the oncologist that studies have shown treatment to be between 30Gy to 36Gy. I guess our understanding of radiation is a lot more simplistic than her knowledge. She says that difference between 30 and 36 is basically nothing. She recommends the higher dosage to insure that this disease is zapped once and for all. She says that only minimal damage is to the lungs and most will be to the thyroid. It has been 5 treatments so far and Jackie has not noticed much. She says there is a mild feeling in her throat, but I think I have more of a sore throat than she does at this very moment. She has to wear this two stickers on her chest for the remainder of her treatment so that technicians know the correct way of alignment. Warm weather is definitely setting in fast so we are trying to develop new strategies to conceal the stickers.
Jackie is going through radiation very smoothly so far. We keep reiterating to the oncologist that studies have shown treatment to be between 30Gy to 36Gy. I guess our understanding of radiation is a lot more simplistic than her knowledge. She says that difference between 30 and 36 is basically nothing. She recommends the higher dosage to insure that this disease is zapped once and for all. She says that only minimal damage is to the lungs and most will be to the thyroid. It has been 5 treatments so far and Jackie has not noticed much. She says there is a mild feeling in her throat, but I think I have more of a sore throat than she does at this very moment. She has to wear this two stickers on her chest for the remainder of her treatment so that technicians know the correct way of alignment. Warm weather is definitely setting in fast so we are trying to develop new strategies to conceal the stickers.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Day 162-164
Solidarity is definitely tough. My life is no longer the single bachelor life. Jackie and I spent the weekend apart due to a schedule conflict. She went back home for the weekend and I went to visit my sister and friends. At first I actually had some anxiety because Jackie and I haven’t been apart for a weekend since we got married. For the last few months I felt cancer has stolen part of my marriage. My honeymoon period seemed to only have lasted up to the point when Jackie was diagnosed. We had to skip the greatest part of the beginning stage in marriage due to Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. No longer could we come home and just be “lovey dovey” but we had to be grown up and mature about treatments, bills, and even the future. I was afraid for this weekend that I would not have the feelings of missing Jackie the way I use to. I was afraid that this weekend would be a piece of cake. I was afraid that Jackie and I would be so complacent with being apart that it would become habit forming. When does that honeymoon period end and does it ever come back?
All my worries ended up premature. The weekend was great. We were both able to spend time with family and friends. We ended up talking on the phone and sharing about the our days’ events every night. I actually felt very loved and close to Jackie while she was away. I knew that she was constantly thinking of me and everything she does represented us as a couple. A strong relationship cannot be separated by distance. The distance only made the end of the weekend something to look forward to. We both came home in the afternoon early. It was so great to see my wife and she never looked so beautiful. I hugged and kissed her. We had a great dinner and definitely ready for next week. Next week is our one year anniversary. We made it this far and I can definitely say the honeymoon period is not over. I proved it to myself this weekend!
Solidarity is definitely tough. My life is no longer the single bachelor life. Jackie and I spent the weekend apart due to a schedule conflict. She went back home for the weekend and I went to visit my sister and friends. At first I actually had some anxiety because Jackie and I haven’t been apart for a weekend since we got married. For the last few months I felt cancer has stolen part of my marriage. My honeymoon period seemed to only have lasted up to the point when Jackie was diagnosed. We had to skip the greatest part of the beginning stage in marriage due to Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. No longer could we come home and just be “lovey dovey” but we had to be grown up and mature about treatments, bills, and even the future. I was afraid for this weekend that I would not have the feelings of missing Jackie the way I use to. I was afraid that this weekend would be a piece of cake. I was afraid that Jackie and I would be so complacent with being apart that it would become habit forming. When does that honeymoon period end and does it ever come back?
All my worries ended up premature. The weekend was great. We were both able to spend time with family and friends. We ended up talking on the phone and sharing about the our days’ events every night. I actually felt very loved and close to Jackie while she was away. I knew that she was constantly thinking of me and everything she does represented us as a couple. A strong relationship cannot be separated by distance. The distance only made the end of the weekend something to look forward to. We both came home in the afternoon early. It was so great to see my wife and she never looked so beautiful. I hugged and kissed her. We had a great dinner and definitely ready for next week. Next week is our one year anniversary. We made it this far and I can definitely say the honeymoon period is not over. I proved it to myself this weekend!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The first two days of radiation seemed very easy, painless, and fast. Jackie was marked up the first day and then led into her chambers to be radiated. It seems to me that radiation takes very careful planning and patience. It is like an amusement park ride where you wait an hour for in line and then the ride ends in thirty seconds. The radiation procedure is thirty seconds in the front and thirty seconds in the back. The other fifteen minutes were meant for aligning and prepping. So two down and sixteen more to go. Jackie is feeling very restless spending most days at home. She has not worked a full week since November. People usually despise going to work everyday but then we miss what we cannot have. She wants to go back to work. Luckily, Jackie is almost done and she can do everything she wants.
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