Day 136
Celebration time… wohoo!!!! Chemo is done and gone, forever? The festivities are not exactly what I expected. No emotional breakdowns, no hugging and farewells, no congratualatory cake. It was actually very quiet. Jackie walked in and had her needle placed in. She fell asleep and 2 hours later we went home. There was no celebration but more of a relief. After four months, eight grueling infusions, 136 days, countless aches and pains, my wife has finished. Each infusion just gets more difficult. There is no longer any hype about chemo, it is only another chore to get through. But my wife has endured and she is a true fighter.
The doctors and nurses are very impressed with Jackie having all her hair still. They stated that Adriamycin, nicknamed “Red Devil,” always causes all hair to fall out. Only Jackie and one other patient have kept there hair. My wife is a fighter and she can handle any obstacle. I guess we have only won the battle but not the war. The celebration for the battle does not start until next week when all her side effects from todays chemo goes away. Then… war time!

Day 135
Today I was comforted by a good friend of mine. I have been worried much about Jackie’s next step in her fight. We have been referred to a radiation oncologist who graduated from UCLA and has become the medical director of the cancer center. However, our cancer center is local and has no prestigious reputation. My friend reassured me that radiation oncologist are the cream of the crop and graduating from UCLA is no small feat. She probably has no idea how much her words meant to me. I am always worried that Jackie is not with the correct doctors or the best qualified ones. To know that a good friend and the oncologist at Cedars Sinai can both agree that the local radiation oncology is just as qualified puts me as ease.
Tomorrow is the day. How will tomorrow be different from all those other visits? Will there be laughter or crying? It is very emotional and sensitive time. Jackie and I will both need each others shoulders for support.

Day 133-134
Why am I not excited about Jackie finishing up chemo? I am just getting more anxious as Friday comes closer and closer. Chemo has been a part of our lives. Every other Friday we grab the blanket at noon time and head off to the oncology office. For the last four months we have been regulars at the office. Jackie has gotten to know the staff very well. The nurses knew exactly how Jackie would try to stay awake for 30 minutes but end up falling asleep for 2 hours. She would wake up drowsy and I would drive her home where we would drink lots of water and watch endless movies. That was life. What happens next?
Jackie had her final appointment with the oncologist. I was hoping he would slowly let go of our hands and guide us slowly into our next transition. We were curious on how soon our next scans would be, if it was possible to skip the radiation due to a recent study, or if we could get a second opinon for radiation at Cedars Sinai. It feels like we are back at day 1. We are lost once again with only faint hints to get us through this ordeal. The oncologist only told us that he will schedule an appointment with the radiation oncologist, where she will order scan and a referral to Cedars Sinai. He said the radiation oncologist will decide how to proceed with treatment and then said he’ll see Jackie in a month.
Jackie has been passed on. He has deferred Jackie’s treatment onto someone else. We are no longer on the same team, but got traded onto another. I’m not sure if this is normal protocol but I do feel betrayed. I am understanding real life more and more. There are no longer parents or teachers to hold your hand, but everything is business. Once one’s responsibility is done then you are passed on. Our team only consists of Jackie and I.

Day 129-132
Lask week of chemo has finally started. The light at the end of the tunnel is in view now. Tomorrow is the blood test, Wednesday is the meeting to discuss our nest step, and Friday is the last infusion. The post chemo nerves are hitting. What if the chemo didn’t work? If the new scan shows no signs of lymphoma, do we really need radiation? How long do we have to wait before radiation? By default most people including me seem to think negatively. I try to convince myself of the positive. I figure if I think the worse nothing can catch me by surprise. I have been praying espescially hard this last week, hoping that God would perform a miraculous touch.
Jackie seems so happy lately. This weekend we went back home to celebrate her mother’s birthday. We helped rearrange furniture in the house. There were around twenty family members there. She planned out the event, arranged the food, and made sure everyone had a good time. She is definitely such a giver. She works so hard towards her family and I. She always thinks about other. I just wish I could giver her more. I wish I could perform a miracle… find a cure… something…

Day 128
Jackie and I had a wonderful date night. She has spent the last three days working hard just to make sure our lives stay comfortable. The treatment has definitely made her lose some of her endurance and strength. She become tired more easily. Her hair has not fallen out yet, but does thin out slightly. Jackie has always been a hard worker with good work ethics. Yesterday she came home tired and restless. She had sore shoulders and felt bone pain. This has been the first time since the last three cycles that Neupogen has affected her. Luckily a good night’s rest did alleviate some of her pain. I watch her carefully when she is with me. Everytime she sighs and awkwardly arches he shoulders signals something is wrong. I don’t know what to do to help her out. I’m so helpless.
Tonight however I made dinner and we went to the tennis gardens to watch Rafael Nadal in action. What an enjoyable event with plenty of action. God blesses both Jackie and I. Somehow He is always able to provide us relief from stressful times. Jackie is hanging in there and this weekend we will be going back home. Next week is her final treatment. We will be counting down.

Day 125-127
Lately I have felt very uninspired to write. Are human beings just a creature of habit? I wake up, drive to work, work, lunch, work, drive home, dinner, tv, and sleep. Jackies treatment goes steadily with chemo on Friday followed by a weekend of being uncomfortable, then five shots of Neupogen, and we wait until Friday again. I’m not sure what else to expect, because she is doing great. In less than two months we will be celebrating our one year anniversary. In the beginning things kicked off with a bang and then Hodgkin’s came along and it definitely has been a long test. It has mostly been a test of patience. Treatment lasts from anywhere between half a year to a year. We are not allowed to go on vacation, go to public events, have certain foods, and so on. These restrictions keep you pretty well confined in a specific area for awhile. Luckily modern technology has made it easier to enjoy entertainment, communicate with family and friends, and pass time. Life should be spontaneous, exciting, and unpredictable. That is what Jackie and I miss the most.
On a lighter note, we have finally earned a response back from one of the many charities that we applied to. I was certain that we would be denied because apparently our salary is too high. I don’t unerstand why my net worth is in the negatives but I don’t t qualify for anything. To my surprise though they have afforded to pay a portion of certain bills. I feel very fortunate to have found such a great organization. Thank you Lymphoma research foundation. Your generosity is greatly appreciated and will be reciprocated.

Day 124
Today is recovery from a whole day of fun yesterday. Yesterday we spent the whole day outside socializing, eating, and enjoying life’s finer things. Today we rested. Jackie seemed a lot more tired and preoccupied by chemo compared to yesterday. We decided to stay in the house all day. Thank God for satellite television. There are always plenty of mindless shows that can burn time. Jackie has been drinking lots and lots of water. Everytime she feels something is going wrong, a glass of water seems to help. I feel that she is handling chemo so much easier now compared to day1.
Jackie also got a nice surprise visit from her brother. He happened to be in this area, so we did have time to grab dinner and enjoy family time. I know this means so much to her. It is always the simple parts of life that we remember.
This week is going to be the same routine. Five shots of neupogen, a little bit of working, and enjoying life.