Day 180-181
One more day left! How exciting? My marriage has been built on this ordeal. Married life for me was making sure my wife was taken care of, making sure she didn’t get neutropenic, that there were no germs on countertops. I took her temperature, watched her go through chemotherapy, and made her lousy tasting soup. That is what has bonded the two of us. I wonder what will be the next adhesive in our lives.
Hodgkin’s lymphoma is forever a part of us. I am not ever going to able to put this in the past. Everyday I will be worried about remission, everyday I will be worried about if Jackie is feeling ok. It is going to linger in me forever. I can already feel its ramifications lately. I am worrying if Jackie and I are going to be able to move out of our current neighborhood because she has her oncologists and history here. I worry that the clean scan she is receiving is “truly” clean. Are all these thoughts normal? Am I being obsessed with Hodgkin’s?
Why do I find myself constantly bringing up reasons to assosciate all things with Hodgkin’s? My wife, the oncologist, the radiation oncologist, staff, and family all have such assurance that this is the end. I hope and try to do the same as well, but always a small seed of doubt inside. I pray that I am absolutely crazy in my thoughts and the majority is correct.